Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter

As our story opens, so does a car door, and given the angle — low, and focused on the bottom — we’re expecting a slinky Jimmy Choo to emerge, or something.  Instead, we get a clunky tennis-shoe: the camera pulls back and its a nurse, complete with white stockings and a uniform.  Suddenly, a pale-faced, black-clothed woman appears behind her, chomps into her neck, and as her hand slides up the nurses thigh, behold!  The nurse is wearing lace-top stockings.

Seems vampires have descended on Ottawa, they’re targeting lesbians, and I know what you’re thinking: lace-top stockings . . . neck-sucking . . . lesbians!!  Sounds like porn to me.  But no, it’s much better than that: it’s a punk-lesbian-vampire-christian-kung-foo flick.  A spiky-haired priest and his robed companion read in the morning paper that Ottawa is running out of lesbians, and they spring into action.  They find Jesus (Phil Caracas) baptizing a woman in a lake, enlist his aid, and there you have it: Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter.

Jesus prepares to stake some bloodsuckers

It’s a funny idea, and for about the first third, it’s funny bites (I mean, bits) carry it along.  Jesus going to the hardware store, buying wood for stakes.  Jesus and a priest in a diner, trying to figure out what’s going on, and getting hit on by the waitress.  Jesus being attacked by a band of roaming atheists, who introduce themselves like this: “Hey Jesus we’re atheists.  We’re taking your second coming as the 13th station of the cross.” (ok, to get the joke you gotta know that the “stations of the cross” are a Lenten journey … never mind).

The problem is, the ideas run out after that first half, and we’re left with an extremely amateurish production for the rest of its 85 minuyres.  For me, anyway, you can only get so far being charmed by so-bad-it’s-good.  Written by Ian Driscoll; directed, cut and shot by Lee Demarbre, it’s a production of the Odessa Filmworks, who brought us Harry Knuckles and the Pearl Necklace, The Dead Sleep Easy and Vampiro: Angel, Devil, Hero.  It’s an indy in the truest sense of the word, and I give it props for that, anyway, and for doing quite a bit on what must have been a ridiculously low budget.

Jesus in a dance number

And truth to be told, it had enough funny bits to keep me chuckling, and keep me looking for more through its deflated second half.  It’s held together by an ingratiating performance by Phil Caracas as Jesus; he seems to have been the only one with any acting experience on the shoot. He gets to say my favorite line: “Do you suppose that the disappearance of these ladies of Sappho is somehow connected to the fact that these vampires can walk in the daylight?”

Some Christians would no doubt be offended by the film’s (ahem!) unconventional view of Jesus.  They shouldn’t be: Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter is good natured, without a mean bone in its body.  It aspires to be a parody of the church along with all manner of film conventions; for about 45 minutes, it succeeds.

Here’s a trailer that gives you an idea of what it’s all about;  the whole thing is on “Watch Instantly” on Netflix if you just gotta see it.