So it’s midnight and I’m sitting here, working on a piece about Last Year at Marienbad (no … really!) and getting nowhere, and so I’m flipping through the satellite box, looking for something to distract me, when I’m attracted by the name “John Carpenter” flashing by on the edge of my attention. So I do the DirecTV version of a screeching halt, and see that it’s something called “John Carpenter Presents Vampires: Los Muertos,” and alarm bells go immediately off, ’cause that’s the way 33rd-rate movies try to get a little street cred, some big-name selling his name to push the product, but I thought what the hell, it’s gotta be better than trying to describe the opening scene of Marienbad, right?
I press the button on the remote, and soon I’m watching Jon Bon Jovi running around Mexico, knocking off vampires, logging into some kind of vampire-hunter chat room to record his kills and get his account credited — with, I presume, money — when he gets a call from his controller. It’s the Vatican, for St. Pete’s sake, and they want to buy up his contract, so they send him to a monastery where there’s a slayer — I think that’s what they call him, maybe it’s “killer” — who gives him his marching orders, I’m not paying enough attention to know, I’m still trying to describe Delphine Seyrig’s hair, but I’ve nevertheless noticed one thing: there sure are a lot of vampires in Mexico. It can’t be good for tourism.
Fortunately, there seems to be a lot of slayers around as well, there’s two of them at the monastery, and after they’re all wiped out by vampires– all but the young, good-looking second slayer, of course, who was out buying sacramental wine or something — he joins up with Bon Jovi and Natalie Wood’s daughter, who plays a young girl who’s been bitten, but is taking some kind of pills to keep it at bay. And so, along with a heavily made-up Diego Luna, they form kind of a vampire-hunting A-Team, only they’re not all that good at it, because they keep getting outwitted by this one gorgeous vampire who is much prettier even than Jon Bon Jovi.
It’a all directed by one Tommy Lee Wallace, and IMDB says that it’s a sequel to John Carpenter’s Vampires, which I thought was pretty good, but that one had (a) production values and (b) James Woods and I don’t care how mamy face lifts Jon Bon Jovi’s had, he can’t hold a candle to Jimmy Woods.
As far as I can see, John Carpenter Presents Vampires: Los Muertos has almost nothing going for it, except that very hot head vampire, played by somebody named Arly Jover, who I was truly sad to see killed. And now the movie’s over, the rock star and the movie-diva’s daughter are driving off into the sunset, and I’m going to bed. Goodnight.
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Wow, I’ll have to load it up in my anti-queue. That’s a special queue I have that works by insuring the title in question never shows up on my doorstep.
It is truly horrid, but, you know, any port in a writer’s-blocked storm. Apparently, it went direct to video. I wonder why?
How many hours would we like to have back from movies like this? Perhaps the eternity vampires can squander at their leisure?
The only thing I’d like about being a vampire. Along with the living forever thing, of course. And being maddeningly attractive to women, too. That’d be kind of fun.
Meanwhile I’m waiting anxiously for your “Marienbad” post. I slept through that one in college(as I did “Juliet of the Spirits”), but it’s in my Netflix queue, waiting for a second chance.
Pat, probably on Tuesday … tomorrow’s TOERIFC, and I don’t usually do anything on those days. I found Marienbad to be maddening and frustrating, but fascinating nevertheless.
I just wanted to mention that Tommy Lee Wallace also directed Halloween III: Season of the Witch. Not the usual sequel, but actually a stand alone film that takes place on Halloween, and a pretty good one at that, about children, television and a special mask.
Peter, maybe he had a budget on “Season of the Witch”, or some actors … over on IMDB, I note the venerable Dan O’Herlihy in the cast. Although Diego Luna couldn’t save “Los Muertos,” I’m afraid.
I think Hot Head Vampire would be a good band name.
Not Hot Vampire Head?
No, or I would have said.