In the recent past, I have gotten into the habit of seeing newly released films and then “reviewing” them, which of course is what a lot of bloggers do, and many of them do it better than me. But that also means that I see crappy movies, which has a deadening effect upon my desire to see movies, and write about them. It’s the vicious circle of movie-critic life. And nobody in their right minds sets out to be one of those.
Oh, who am I kidding? I’d love to make a living going to see movies, even though I know I’d end up whining about having to see all the bad ones like the pros do. But fat chance of that, when the print media is shedding critics like dogs shed fleas, and there are legions of bloggers better than me jockying for internet slots. Most of which, I suspect, are actually filled by a guy named Murray, working out of a trailer park just this side of Topeka. Come on: how do you really know there’s a David Hudson? Has you ever seen him and Murray in the same room together?
But I digress: as a public service to all those starry-eyed dreamers out there, I’m giving away all the movie-reviewing secrets that have made me an internet icon. How can he do this, you ask? How can he possibly give away all his fabulous secrets? Is he drunk? Is h\e craaaazy? That’s for me to know and you to, hopefully, never find out.
First off, it’s a little-known fact that every newspaper critic has read the same book. If that were not true, why would all their reviews read the same? In point of fact, there’s a formula for commercial reviews, and I’m here to tell you what it is. Gratis. Free of charge. Out of the goodness of my heart. It goes something like this:
- INTRODUCTORY PARAGRAPH, which contains what’s known in the journalism biz as the “hook.” Here, you catch the reader’s attention by introducing the film in some way, maybe telling a little about the filmmaker, or relating its subject to something in “real life,” (as if you have any idea what that is). The point is, you get the reader hooked, then move on to the meat of the review, which begins with a
- PLOT SYNOPSIS, a short exposition of the storyline, which should stop just short of revealing a **SPOILER**. To reveal a **SPOILER** is a Very Bad Thing, which will result in your junior critic decoder ring being ripped from the bloody stump of your little finger, or whichever appendage you happen to be wearing it on at the time. It’s also a good way to avoid any deep, serious discussion about a film, because how can you do that if you don’t mention the ending? Bonus Lesson: the point of a movie review is not to say intelligent things about a film but to sell movies, newspapers and — if you are a blogger — whatever you can put on your site to make money. (Which, as you know, isn’t much. Who me? Bitter?) After you’ve convinced them that you actually saw the movie, it’s time to move on to
- WHAT YOU LIKED OR DISLIKED ABOUT THE FILM. This has the effect of (a) illustrating that you know what you’re talking about (it helps if you throw terms like ADR and “dolly grip” around), and second, supporting your conclusion as to whether your faithful readers will want to see it. Advanced Tip: write about things you both like and dislike! This will build reader confidence and help simulate impartiality. Super-duper, Mega-Advanced Tip (Available for a Limited Time Only): Include a “favorite scene,” preferably with a tracking shot, to bolster your points. This, in fact, goes a long way toward making it look like you actually have points.
- WRAP IT ALL UP. This is the money section, the place where it all comes together. It’s the place where you give your measured, critical opinion, based upon years of study and thought, all boiled down to a rating of one to five popcorn balls. This is where the rubber meets the road, and it’s so critical that many of your readers will skip right to this part, allowing you to ignore all of the above and if you want to, write about canaries flying out of your butt. Heh, heh.
Follow these easy rules and you, too, can be a superstar movie critic, reaping fame, stardom, and incredible wealth. And if you believe that, I’ve got a Woody Allen movie to sell you.
Along with a story about canaries flying out of my butt.
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All right, all right … slave driver.
I have to admit that your post here strikes right to my heart. I just started putting a lot of time and effort into making my blog what I always hoped that it would be. Unfortunately, I have to believe that with consistent effort and hard work that I will be able to make at least a decent amount of money from movie reviews. Maybe I will never make enough to quit my day job, but I can at least give it an honest effort. Truth is that I really want to make movies for a living; not just review them. I think your site is great; keep up the good work. I will try to take the positive from your post and do my best.
I wish you well; as I said, I would like to think that I could do it myself. Thanks for the compliment; I truly appreciate it.
I actually bought Null’s book. I’m still waiting to make money from writing about film, although I did get something for writing for GreenCine Daily once. As for getting DVD screeners, forgetaboutit. I’ve only been able to get a couple of companies to send me DVDs.
That’s not just Film Reviewing 101, that’s High School Essay Writing…wait… Scary thing is, yes, that formula looks all too familiar. Speaking both for reviews I’ve read and ones I’ve written. /convicted
God, I think I even have that book somewhere.
Peter, I get screeners every once in awhile, although it is only from a couple of companies as well. I did indeed buy Null’s book as well, but like you, haven’t made any money at it.
Jandy, I am guilty of writing reviews like that, by the number. As God is my witness, I will nevah write one like it again. Until next time, that is.
I understand your frustrations Rick. It’s funny, but anytime I stray from the familiar and post a very personal piece on my blog such as my recent Klaus Kinski piece or really tackle a topic such as John Hughes death in my piece about This Is England, I tend to get very few comments from my regular blog readers who seem to want simple to the point recommendations and/or fuel for their own blog writing.
Not to say that my Hughes/This Is England piece didn’t get a reaction. It did. But a lot of the comments were from people I had never heard from before which was strange.
I appreciate your piece a lot since it expresses some of my own frustration with blogging. But I’ve come to realize that if I really want to write, blogging isn’t the platform for it.
I have noticed two other blogging trends that are becoming really tired (in my eyes anyway) and they are:
1) The fluid, glorified and over confident pieces examining (to a ridiculous degree) the barely noticeable virtues of a highly overrated film that doesn’t deserve it. Usually written by college grads who have attended a lot of writing classes and they know how to make something out of nothing. Lots of adjectives and purple prose seem to make a lot of folks blind.
2) The would-be comedy writers. These people see every film as some long running joke and use film writing as a way to express their frustrations about how a film didn’t meet their limited expectations. Jokes are the main goal so they’re often willing to twist the truth or proclaim their ignorance (aka limited film knowledge) in the hopes that other like-minded folks will find common ground with them.
I guess film blogging has become a dog eat dog world where blog traffic and comments rule all. Lately I’ve even seen bloggers commenting about “branding” which is a term I’d never heard until about a week ago and frankly, it made me nauseous. I naively assumed people started blogging because they loved to write and share things – like me. Now I know better.
Kimberly, I have noticed the trends as well. I get really tired of worrying about who’s reading whom, or who got mentioned by GreenCine, or whatever. This has all translated into a tiredness about blogging, so that I can only get up enough energy to focus on writing about one piece of any substance a week.
When I write something more personal, or something I think go beyond the formula, there tends to be a deafening silence. Not always, but a lot.
I’m not quite ready to give it up, however. I really like the interaction between my online friends, and the occasional (decreasing in frequency) discussion of substance on a blog.
Damn…he’s onto me…